Saturday, January 31, 2009

Tragic Tragedies

I think I sprained my hand.

The thought of not being able to knit depresses me. I suppose it's lucky that it's my left hand, since I am right handed, but still. I rely on knitting to soothe me when I panic and pick me up when I feel like things get to be too much for me. Anyone familiar with me knows that I have crazy psychotic parents that were hyper-critical of their over-achieving daughter. I got grounded for getting a C in calculus - when I was a junior and high school and a whopping 17 years old. It was the first C I'd ever gotten in my life, a tragic black mark on my 4.2 gpa. To a certain extent, I've internalized that critical voice that tells me I haven't worked hard enough, haven't tried hard enough, haven't done enough, to achieve what I want to do. Intellectually, I know that the voice is wrong. Emotionally, it's enough to stop me from trying just so I don't fail.

Knitting gets me through those moments. I love being able pick up a pair of needles and some yarn and create things almost out of nothing. It reminds me that I can achieve things, and create things that no one can take away from me. I guess that's why I'm so strangely fearless with my knitting. Lace Vogue dress pattern? Hell yes, let's do that in 6 months! Why? In an emotionally immature way, I'm still rebelling, proving that I can because sometimes I believe that I can't.

I realize that there's some step past this, but I haven't a clue what it is. Before, I knew I had to learn to think for myself, make my own decisions and fail. But what do you do after? Is it like knitting, where you mess up, frog, and start over? And how do I do that without knitting?

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Welcome to Crazytown, where my friends have proclaimed me queen. Why did they do that you ask? For some reason, there's very little that I fear about knitting. Hmm, a dress in laceweight done in lace knitting written by vogue? Sounds great! I have very few inhibitions when it comes to knitting, and that sometimes ends disasteriously. Apparently, other people think this signifies a level of crazy that only the royalty can attain. Follow along with my escapades as I dive head first into all sorts of insane techniques and projects without much more than an "Oh! That looks pretty, I can make it!"

Those will probably be my famous last words.